Selflessness is not a gift

If I don't know who I am, I will be a blob of playdough. Ready for anyone who comes along to make their mark and shape me as they see fit. I'll be at the mercy of others and lose all sense of self.As a teenager committed to a mental institution at the age of 14, I was diagnosed with Selflessness. As a woman, doesn't that sound like what everyone wants us to be? Selfless. It took a long time for that word to absorb. Losing all sense of self. Luckily I was not diagnosed as sociopathic. I actually did feel bad about my juvenile delinquencies.I have no idea when or where Selflessness happened. Did I just lose myself one day while growing up? Set her aside and forget to pick her up like the dolly that gets left behind in a vinyl booth on a road trip? Maybe it eroded over time. Can I become an environmentalist for myself? Accepting of some climate changes and evolution but intolerant of poisoning the oceans or fracking.At some point I was deemed well enough to leave the institution. Onto the next leg of my journey. I was not handed a certificate saying: Congratulations! You've found yourself again! You are whole. I was simply released. Healing could not happen in that place, but they got me to a point where I would do no more harm.It's been a long hard journey. How was I to fumble through high school and college and life? How was I to find myself? I feel unequipped. I mean to say I felt unequipped. I'm feeling stronger now. Not the strength of fences and masks and shells — those were the approach of my married years.This is an inner strength. A deeper strength. Foundational. Empowering. My flaming chalice is stronger. I feel fueled. I may not yet know exactly who I am, but I'm not going to hand that power to someone else. I'll take my own hand and we'll venture out and learn together.