On Being Held

As I enter the world of dating, I’m cautious of my wants and desires because I don’t want to meet someone and lay out expectations. And yet the exploring of wants and desires is helpful — we must know ourselves. The more we explore ourselves, the deeper and more interesting our wants and desires become — which are perfect things to offer to a magical universe who is infinitely more creative at presenting options we never even considered.One of my desires is to be held. Reading that, one may infer that I want strong arms to circle me so I can relax. That sounds nice, but I’ve learned so much more about being held over the last few months in a women’s circle.The circle I attend is guided by Magdalena Curtis, and she also holds the space. She leads the circle so that when we show up, we can let go of those things we carry. Those things we do not even know we are carrying, in addition to our roles and responsibilities as business owners, friends, daughters, mothers, sisters, partners, lovers, and so on. We can leave these labels at the door and come as we are.In this way we lay down our stories and connect with deeper parts of ourselves. What’s there beneath the layers of last year’s leaves we never got around to raking? Often I surprise myself at something I say or an emotion that flows — things that I didn’t even know I was suppressing.This raw vulnerability takes time — often there is fear behind it. And then you look around a circle and see no one has changed. Maybe emotions are flowing for someone else, but no one has left or abandoned you. They are listening deeply. There are no problems to solve, no verbal empathies expressed. There is only receiving, and in this way you are being held. And how freeing it is to step out of those unconscious masculine roles of doing, solving, responding. There are no expectations other than to listen and simply be.This form of being held brings such relief. There is structure and support yet you are given the space to melt and process and show up however you are in that very moment. Over time you feel the strength and the softness. You feel heard, and you feel more yourself. A willingness emerges to explore more deeply and peel back yet another petal. It is safe — we can handle it, you are held.And that is how I want to be held. There is a safe space created, and each person is strong enough in themselves to prevent the collapsing drama — the space itself has structure so that the people can soften and be more themselves. Manipulation is left behind. There’s expressing and receiving, deep listening and witnessing. We each remain ourselves. We do not need to carry anyone else’s burdens — we can lay them down and let them be composted and processed.Despite this desire, it is not easy to step and move in these directions. To explore feelings and express them. It’s vulnerable, and we fear the repercussions — even though the resulting reality is more beautiful and free. But to be held we must let go of holding ourselves and trust in that space. When we let go of story and dig below the layers to our feelings and emotions, we are not laying a burden on someone. Rather we are sharing a part of ourselves — to ourselves and to another. Such connection blossoms, and we’ve taken a step towards removing a part of our armor. Feel the rush of fresh air as it cools the newly-exposed flesh — it tingles with aliveness.I’m learning to love this sensation as we ease into spring and I shed literal layers as well. A scarf gets set aside. A sweater is removed at midday. Not only is it freeing, but it is also comforting. That ease of being comfortable in your own skin, of holding space and love for yourself as you really are.In saying out loud that I want to be held, I see the many areas of my life that have opened up to this type of holding — where there is a spaciousness of expressing. With my twin star sister at Cult of Gemini, through studio explorations with Al Martinez, through dance, and through all those friends and contacts who are willing to hold and be held. Life is becoming sweeter and more beautiful in my world on so many levels. In gratitude ~ xoxo