On Belonging

From a young age I felt the burden of existence. Gradually my joie de vivre of being enchanted by mittens on strings gave way to questions of being wanted. Did my parents love me? Did they want me? Did they want to be parents or did they quickly fall out of love with their shiny happy baby as it gave way to needing care and tending?A brief childhood phase of playing with dolls and wanting children — especially twins — gave way to a lifelong paranoia that I would get pregnant. I became a Zero Populationist in college and desperately avoided parenthood at all costs.I struggled to separate myself from the idea that humans are destroying the environment and bleeding our planet dry. Even with conscious living, just by existing I've been part of the problem. I've done my job to tread lightly, stay small and not add to the burden by reproducing.The problem is that this line of feeling, being and thinking doesn't allow me to be my best self. It's downright depressing and sad. I do my best to push it aside — and have done so for years — feeling undeserving and unworthy of mere existence.And yet I do exist. And so I push and strive and overload myself to justify being a person.In my recent exploring and reading, some not-new concepts came into my consciousness in a new way. We are all star stuff. and Energy can neither be created nor destroyed.And so a crack has formed in my psyche — a glimmer of hope where light is shining through. I cannot control my being-ness. No one can. I am. It does not matter what others feel about this. If we step back and look far above from the universe and from the past… this has all been programmed in a sense. Not predictably, but set into motion beyond our control. Each of us is part of the energy and the flow. We are the energy and the flow.I'm seeing how everything is bigger than my worries and self limiting beliefs. I can be concerned about the environment yet also trust in the universal unfolding that is happening and that I'm a part of in this body, in this now.These feelings are so big that I have to let go of thinking about them. Let go of trying to hold on to them or make them tangible. I must let them be and let them flow. Slowly they will work their magic, loosening the bolts that hold my old ways of being and thinking in place. I can tell that some future point holds a lightness. A place where I feel unburdened by my own being — energetically embodied and loved universally. I can see I'm standing on that path, letting go of grasping desire and forward movement. Standing still, oh so patiently, waiting for this feeling to come to me. All I can do is remain open and be fully present in my existence as it is and as I am.I am ready to receive this light and become this light. I look forward to treading lightly because I have wings and I'm free from worry. I am no longer separate. I am part of the whole. Part of the flow. A piece of energy that has existed from the dawn of time, embodied in the now. I am a star being and have a place on this earth, in this life, in this now. As do you. As do we all. As do all beings. May we sparkle and shine and have purpose from our very being, our essence.There is no fear of what is bigger. We are bigger. We are the cells of the very whole. We can embody this. We can stop chasing and open ourselves to the energy that wants to flow through us. We do not need to force and pull such an intangible thing. We are open. We show up and it shows up. It is us. We are it. We are not separate. We merely need to plug in.