Making Room for Big Love

When I think about my jewelry career, I remember the struggle to be successful. I often feel like I missed the mark — my work is very hard to market. I never gave in to accessibility, favoring abstract notions instead. It's much easier to market "hearts" — and notions of love and romance, even if they're fabricated — rather than abstract concepts of meditation, inward journeying, and thoughts around cages, freedom, safety and protection.So many people saw my work and wanted it to be miniature bird cages. If I had simply put tiny birds inside, I would have been much more successful and accessible — yet, what would there have been to talk about? What would I have been exploring and expressing?I put a lot of myself into my work. I'm often not even sure why or what I'm putting in.With sadness, I'm writing more about my work in the past tense. I rarely get into the studio anymore — and feeling ok about that has given me cause for much reflection.As I've become a more conscious person, many repetitive things have left my life — like running and wire wrapping. These activities served as a meditation to me. I was deeply processing on a subconscious level. I don't even need to know all the reasons why, but let's just say that those activities have left my life as I've left relationships and started living in a way that feels more full and true to myself.What once held meditative peacefulness has now become boring. One of my new mantras is: Follow the curiosity. Doing that has led me down fantastic paths of exploration — including entering into a business partnership, opening a store, experiencing romance, discovering sisterhood, and unearthing new love through dance (to name a few).These experiments are also opening my eyes to new ways of being and connecting. My world has been turned on its head. Ideas I had about my needs for rest and recharging have changed to such a degree that I'm questioning whether or not I'm actually an introvert. I'm rediscovering long hidden parts of myself and falling in love with them. I'm "following the curiosity" even when it comes to me — I'm taking nothing for granted, which is a big challenge.The desire to move my body more is the biggest driving force. I want to be more physical and engaged on many levels. No longer do I want to sit for hours in the studio. Work at the computer feels like it's sucking my soul out one minute at a time.I feel more fully engaged when I'm part of a team — brainstorming and executing. I feel alive when doing interior design and retail display. I feel engaged through photography — connecting with the beauty of this world on a personal level and finding gratitude there, or co-creating portraits and connecting with amazing people to uncover different facets of themselves that they rarely show.My spirit also comes alive with hardcore physical labor, whether hauling wood or loading big furniture. It may not be feminine, but it soothes a part of me so my femininity can flourish and emerge.I still think of myself as a maker and an artist — although Creatrix seems most fitting and all-encompassing. I don't want to feel pigeon-holed and triggered into writing an artist statement and having my work fit into one category. I want to feel and be fully, expressively alive.Maybe I'm resurfacing — uncovering and expressing more joy rather than mining the dark depths of the underworld. These are the words of a woman falling in love and seeing life through new lenses. These are the words of hope, even in the face of loss and sadness — from career changes to lost loves, whether relationships or artistic mediums.I'm hopeful again to such a degree that I'm willing to receive and experience Big Love — in all the ways it may present itself. I'm no longer dwelling in the place of "Remember when..." lost in those wells of memories. Rather I'm curious if there's something bigger and better ahead — to such a degree that I'm willing to let go of things that have held a place in my heart for decades to make a welcoming space. The space is available, and yet I've released expectation. I'm not waiting. I'm out there, living, experiencing life to the fullest.