There is no rising from the ash today
There is no rising from the ash today. I'm sitting in the ash. I am the ash. There are still hot embers if you poke around — flames could rise up given enough air. Things are tender and raw. Such emptiness. There is a void, and I'm not comfortable with it.
Life will be messy for a while. I have a broom and dustpan, but that's never good enough for ash. There will be streaks and smudges on my damp face for weeks. There is no way to make this clean and comfortable and new.I am the cinder-ella. Caught off guard by this situation. Secretly hoping no fairy godmother will save me because I want to be here a while. Rarely have I dwelled here. Explored the dark corners. Taken stock. Understanding the space of the underworld. Maybe it will be a comforting root cellar — there may yet be reserves undiscovered. It's time to find out.The hard part is the pain, the emptiness, the void. Feeling insignificant. No longer sharing about sales at the grocery store or just checking in about how life unfolded that particular day.I feel needy and question how long that neediness has been with me. How can I rid myself of it? How can I be enough? To be whole sounds like a far off dream, especially when surrounded by a field of grey.
I won't be so dramatic as to say this is my life, but this is a significant part of my life. A part that felt like home and family and comfort at times. Now it feels like the deep sadness of an empty nest.A desire to lash out and run and change and be radical thrums inside me, but there's a quieter whisper beneath the surface that talks of roots and growing and blossoming. This ash acts as fertilizer if given time.There is no rising from the ash today. But someday it will come once the tears have watered the soil and tentative seedlings are brave enough to send roots down into a newly fertile soil.
Thank you to Magdalena Curtis :: Radical Embodiment for the prompt in this week's newsletter: As I rise from the ash I am... This amazing being holds virtual and in-person circles for women. The way she moves in this world inspires me. xoxo