Cut things out, but not your heart

A few months ago I quit caffeine for the umpteenth time in my life, this time in preparation for an anti-Candida diet. In my understanding, caffeine — either coffee or tea — has no relationship to Candida. An underlying reason for pursuing an anti-Candida protocol is a desire for deep healing, usually of chronic health issues. Eliminating caffeine gives your adrenals a break and allows them to normalize. It allows you to tune in to what your body really needs — from hydration to rest — rather than hitting the Overdrive button again and again.These past few days have been tough for me. My boyfriend and I are breaking up. In the physical realm it's quite easy since we didn't live together, but the emotional realm is a different story. I want coffee to embrace me and rewrite that story even for 30 minutes.Wow, if that doesn't sound like a junkie, I don't know what does. Add to that desire the reality that I'm not sleeping much or very well, and suddenly the desire feels like a need.Let me also remind you what an anti-Candida diet means. There's zero sugar in my diet right now. No sugar, honey, chocolate, and no fruit or even high-sugar veggies like carrots, squash, parsnips and beets. Nothing!!! I have no stimulants. It's not like I can skip the coffee and have a cookie. And let's be honest, artichokes do not mend a broken heart.I've been on the diet long enough now that the actual physical sugar cravings have stopped. So when a craving or desire kicks in, I've got to do a scan. Often I'm thirsty. Sometimes I'm hungry and need more protein. Usually there's some emotional issue going on — I want some sort of soothing or comfort. Or some sort of control. I'll do something that puts me back in the driver's seat, like eating or [insert vice of choice here]. By bringing in discipline, I'm delving deeper into my self by trying to figure out these needs rather than constantly throwing blankets over them and acting like they aren't there.My mind is throwing a hissy fit. It throws up road blocks and writes convincing stories as quickly as possible, but I'm trying to root out some of those emotional issues and work through them. I'm often reminded of a time when Katie Lime Carder (side note ~ check out her sublime jewelry) and I were working a show together. My pattern was to always stop at Starbucks — whether for coffee or tea. I asked her if she wanted anything, my treat, and she said no. I was stunned! Aren't you tired? I asked. And she said: Yes. I'm just going to be tired.This small exchange has stuck with me for a decade. She embraced how she was feeling and decided to stick with it. There's no need to change it. And the only real way to change it — rest — would come after the show in a day or two. The desire to change it, now that's cause for a good look and might reveal some things you've been avoiding looking at.I've been noticing, without any dietary stimulants, that most of the time I'm not any of those words we're often trying to be — like happy, joyful or buoyant. I feel more grounded and at peace. A pleasant neutral. And since I recently quit Netflix, I'm not even doing a big coverup with movies and TV. Instead I'm tuning in. It's nice to not be trying... refreshing to just be.A subtle awareness has started to wash over me. I see a friend, and I want to burst with sincere joy and gratitude. When I walk into my store, Cult of Gemini, I feel proud and excited to work with Ginger as our ideas unfold into realities. I'm also noticing that physical activity is a real boost, so if I'm extra down, a short walk really does pick me up.Gradually my mind is letting go of its grip and the story is unraveling. My heart is stepping up to the plate and showing me the subtle beauties and pleasures. I've always known and appreciated and acknowledged their presence, but now I feel them more.This is not what I expected from an anti-Candida diet, and it's not what I think people mean when they say an anti-Candida diet is so hard. Luckily for me, the limited food choices challenge me to be way more creative in the kitchen; it's like playing Iron Chef with coconut flour, meat, kale and unlimited spices.The hard part is not the diet itself. I can follow rules. The challenge comes with the story around food, health, survival, nourishment, what pleasure is, what a good life feels like, going against societal norms and being different. Having boundaries and discipline and the strength to stand up for your own needs and desires. I've done this before when I quit drinking 3 years ago, so it's moderately familiar territory.In my experience, cutting things out opens a door to new things. But we don't know what they are. We have to be comfortable with the mystery, the unknown, and tune ourselves to attracting what's right for us. It's not about the end game because we don't know what that is.Such is my anti-Candida diet. I don't know what the exact end game is. Or how long I'll follow the strict guidelines before doing food reintroductions. The physical benefits are slowly unfolding. I'm hopeful for some positive outcomes like clearing up my chronic ear problems yet willing to sit with what arrives. What will come through the door next?Now I'm actually quite excited about this emotional component. And that's real excitement — no caffeine or sugar to overly amp me up. This is welling up from the inside.