Taming the Tangle: Revisiting Food Choices (again)

In a recent newsletter, I wrote about the backslide into comfort. The gradual loss of self discipline. And the ennui that can arise from too much freedom.

Those big themes can show up in very real places, such as food choices. "Taming the Tangle" for me is an exploratory process. Sometimes clarity is achieved. Other times the explorations throw various pieces into the light to help glean understanding of the various parts and dynamics at play. Here's how my explorations around food choices are playing out for me right now. Every few years this issue rises for me, and each time a new level of wisdom is brought to the issue.

Past Influences

My first memory of exploring a health/diet book was at age 12, reading Fit for Life. I'd been planning and cooking my family meals for 5 years by then. I followed a formula of meat-veggie-starch and was fairly creative in this area thanks to Betty Crocker, cheese and cayenne. I could easily observe that bodies had different physiologies as my mom was lean and I was chubby. Our metabolisms were so different.

Fit for Life taught me that I could think about food differently, and thus began my exploration of the physical connection to food. Now, of course, the emotional realm also loomed large. I also started/was sent (a whole different topic) to Weight Watchers at about the same age (memory recalls me being 11). They have a more wholistic approach to food and fitness, and I've returned to this program a few times throughout my life. But this was the '80s, and society was fully on the fat-free, high-carb trend.

The Desire to Understand

With all this input and real-life observation, age 11 kicked off a big desire to understand. Recently this desire has evolved to listen first (that deep, internal listening, not the media/fad/trend listening) and then understand from there. I also observe closely and then continue to revise because our bodies constantly change... keeping things interesting, right?

Questioning Creates Cracks in the Foundation

Looking back over the last decade, I can observe that the Paleo lifestyle approach created the most supportive foundation for me energetically. I maintained this diligently for 2–4 years (ah, memory) and then started to allow passing commentary to infiltrate my boundaries. "People" thought I was potentially too rigid and not enjoying life enough. I couldn't see myself this way because I had energy to enjoy so many different things and I felt fully engaged and alive, but it was hard to not fully participate in every social occasion — although I got good at managing that.

Missing out on cake and alcohol didn't matter to me and potlucks were minefields, but it seemed to matter to others even though I never purposefully drew attention to it. I wrote about it or talked about it when asked. Sometimes I ate beforehand to make it easier to navigate and simply socialize and connect. I wasn't preachy because I know lots of people who eat lots of different ways.

But somehow "people" thought I wanted to be special. Maybe they took my polite No, thank you's personally. "People" thought food choices were senseless if it wasn't an allergy. Ah, people. Look at the state of our health and health system and talk to me about the effects of ongoing food compromises. Observe both the physical and emotional ramifications. I digress, but I'm happy to uncover a bit of my own fire there.

This feedback (criticism) caused me to revise my preferences. Gradually I started putting "the group's" comfort ahead of my own. I started taking all the passing snide commentary I would hear about people needing to be special and how all this dietary stuff is mumbo jumbo personally.

Throwing Myself to the Wolves

Why, why, why I let this sink in, I don't know. My life was becoming fairly unstable at the time, so apparently I wanted to add another hole to the boat. I actually do have personal motivation — I'm trying to outrun both diabetes and Alzheimer's. And, on top of that, I healed my body of IBS with the help of several amazing herbalists. Never do I want to return to that state again. Yet I also don't want to throw those things around like defensive weapons, using them to define me, justifying or proving my right to want what I want. I want to be a Queen, willing to take up space. Not demanding, but solid in myself and rather unphased by all the passing commentary.

Perspective Matters: Know Thyself

Paleo waned for me for the last few years, and with that waning came the return of sugar and carb cravings, relentless negotiating, and more emotional eating. Essentially I feel like a chubby little girl in the 1980s again, looking around at all these people who apparently can handle carbs. Because my body gets overloaded by them. My sleep gets disrupted, I'm hungry a lot and it comes on suddenly and desperately, my weight gets stagnant, and I don't have much energy for exercise or much else. I start drinking coffee to kick my motivation into gear. My emotions start being all over the place, I feel ungrounded, and, if I backslide so far as to get on the dairy train, my menstrual cycles torture me.

Hmmmmm, is that worth letting passing judgments effect my boundaries? Not when I write it like that. The challenge now is that I do have to tackle addiction (sugar and caffeine are so intense for me) and re-establish good habits by consistently making supportive choices. This takes both willpower and planning ahead as well as boundaries and confidence. This is what I'm facing now. And while listening to my body this week, I had a huge Ah-ha!

Lean in to What Works

One of the biggest game changers for me is eating enough fat. This is why the '80s were such a challenge for my body — everything was fat free. I need that fat to feel satisfied and to kick my body into gear. Somehow fat boosts my metabolism, motivation and boundaries. I will do anything for fat and beg the butchers to not remove it from anything I order. In turn, fat makes me happy. And leaner. My favorite ouroboros.

My typical breakfast is a bed of arugula with olive oil, a bit of fruit and scrambled eggs. I often add avocado. Some days, some breakfast sausage. Occasionally some GF bread as a vehicle for butter.

More Puzzle Pieces

It's winter here, and I've been trying to make more seasonal food choices. As avocados went by the wayside, I also happened to make a choice to try eating less meat, so no sausage. I wasn't eating GF toast at home because it still fueled my non-GF scone and baked good addiction. Hmmm, where'd all my fat go? Eggs and olive oil have a bit, but I cut off more than half my supply and did the same throughout my entire diet unintentionally. Unconsciously. I started craving chocolate intensely — that's always a fat cue for me. It doesn't satisfy wholly, so I gotta see it as an indicator. Maybe replace it with Cod Liver Oil (kidding... although my body loves that stuff, I will not reach for it instead of chocolate).

I finally called a halt to it all after even I could feel the excuses piling on — I'm on vacation, I gotta try this! I'm jet lagged; I'll return to good habits next week. On and on I threw myself under the bus. I didn't even know whose voices I was hearing, because they didn't sound like mine.

The Fool's Journey: Ready to Begin Again

Stopping processed carbs cold turkey made me super hungry, and suddenly I was back at Square 1 again. What does a healthy, low carb snack look like? I realized it looks like a lot more fat at meals so then I don't have the desire to snack. Which means it's easier to fit in workouts because I'm not eating all the time, and I'm more fueled for them.

So now the trick is going to be, do I return to Paleo? If so, how? Do I find a book and follow a regime? or do it on my own? For the most part I'm back in touch with my own motivation, although my Pleaser personality triggers are still on alert to please others.

This means I need some supportive community and connection — the I am not alone factor — is important. I read Paleo magazine, but Paleo podcasts might feel more like active connection. They used to be as much a part of my support system as creativity podcasts, especially since Paleo is truly a deep lifestyle that incorporates spirituality, natural physical movement, honoring natural rhythms, and giving great attention and high respect to sleep. These are all tenets of my life, so podcasts sounds like a good new inroad to re-establish my connection with Paleo.

Most importantly, I feel the call to re-establish connection with my physical self, my physical body. She is often my greatest spiritual teacher and guide. She's certainly the Truth Teller and Mirror, and she's giving me some very clear messages right now that I'm finally ready to receive.