How's your internal fire?
Sometime during the last month, I hit a wall. Not the wall hitting where you come to a screeching halt or crash and burn while running into it. This was a sneaky wall. I was standing so close to it that I couldn't see it.
Life has been super good. I've been on my own freedom train. Traveling, eating whatever I want, and ignoring some of my own personal goals because I had stopped seeing the point. This turned into a desire for The Outside Voice. I started craving having a coach, a trainer, job structure… anything that would give me context.
Have you ever started to float away and feel a bit lost? This happens a lot with retirees and people who suddenly lose a job. The irony is that these same people may have craved freedom and talked about all the things they would do if they didn't have to be at work, but when given total freedom, that drive is no longer there. To enjoy freedom, we often need constraint or structure. We need that contrast.
I didn't recognize what was happening at first because it happened gradually. You know the drill. I meditated erratically then gradually stopped all together. Making unhealthy food choices and overeating also snuck in. Yoga and exercise tapered off. I stopped writing my newsletter and posts on my blog. I chocked it all up to being busy, or being on vacation and making different choices, but actually I was chipping away at my foundation and sliding deeply into that sleepy place of comfort which is a pitstop on the way to depression for me.
A few people in my life remind me that I can be hard on myself and have high expectations. They remind me about self care and the power of resting, and I do the same right back. There's a tingle deep in my soul and a restlessness that develops when this is not true. My truth is: I love challenges. That's where growth and change happen. That's where we move closer to our goals. And solving challenges and showing up fully is the path to happiness. And the path to good sleep. I love that sense of accomplishment or at the very least, that knowledge that I've done my best and learned something in the process. I'm alright with failure. It's the showing up that matters most.
Right now I don't have a ton of people in my life who actually ask me if I'm slacking off or who encourage me to step it up. I have a few, but often these are people we hire, right? Financial coaches, fitness trainers, business coaches, etc. We can do it for ourselves, but there's something to say for accountability, a hard deadline where someone else cares, and structure. It can be tricky, too, because there can be a fine line between striving and beating ourselves up about what we didn't accomplish.
With the support of my Love, I returned to meditation a week ago, and that has reduced my frustration and procrastination levels. I also started tackling a studio project that allowed me to listen to some podcasts, and it turns out that was a tune up I needed. The light of awareness went off again and again. I also felt a sense of community with other creative entrepreneurs and questioners. This was the context I needed so I didn't feel so alone (a tough feeling to recognize for an introvert since I love being alone).
One highlight for me was Marie Forleo's conversation with Steven Pressfield, the author of The War of Art, one of my favorite books on creativity. Tuning in shed light on the fact that I was encountering Resistance and letting it win. Resistance is the energy that keeps us from our dreams. It keeps us from showing up. It keeps us from living the life of our dreams behind a wave of excuses. Resistance keeps us busy with the wrong priorities. Resistance allows us to find comfort in our stories and being a victim of various situations.
Awareness of this energy is a good first step, but the added problem is that Resistance is sneaky, ever changing, and adapting to where you are and what you are wanting to do. It truly is a force to battle. It compounds for those of us who don't have to show up clean, awake and prepared for a day of work at a job, but no one is immune. Luckily this awareness has helped me exercise every day since listening, and I'm writing this newsletter and planning a tactic for a more consistent (i.e., professional) writing and work approach. I'm ready to take myself seriously and reform good habits on my highest self's terms.
If this concept piques your interest, I highly recommend the book. The podcast is a great overview, and Steven mentions several other books he's written that are now on my list as they go deeper into this concept with more tactics for overcoming resistance.
How's your energy right now? Are you directing it where you want it to go? Comment below… I'd love for this to be a conversation.
