What does the longing tell you?

For a couple of years I've been deeply longing rekindling an artist group I was part of. What I loved most about it was, in the beginning, we got together weekly to meet at a coffee shop and talk. These days became fuel for my week. I had blog post topics, renewed inspiration, and ideas for art projects. It felt like a European artist salon, where the inspiration came from the mere intersection of energies, not by any structured topic of conversation. Some days we'd do some surface level conversational skimming, but usually someone would drop it down to the richer waters and we'd get to the juicy heart of what was going on underneath the surface.

This group held a type of magick for me because many of the people I only interacted with at these gatherings, so I never got to know their regular lives and labels. Sometimes we'd cross paths at art openings or about town, and it was generally a quick hello and a knowing hug of connection and anticipation of the next gathering with no forced conversation about daily life happenings in our lives.

Over time the group took on some joint art projects and yarn bombing, and it eventually morphed into doing shows and making art for those shows. I have fond memories of these phases, but none so much as the initial conversation gatherings where we simply trusted in the alchemy beyond the world of agendas and used them as sparks for our own individual passions.

Eventually I chose to step out of the group, not able to add their commitments to a full plate as I opened a retail store. Some people from that group have become cherished friends who I always long to see more of, others are beacons I see so rarely but they always clear any fog I'm feeling when our paths cross.

A few times a year an invitation is sent out to gather the crew back together again. The last couple years held no interest for me as the gatherings became political. No disrespecting those efforts, but political activities stifle my creative impulses and shove my soul purpose aside. I couldn't do it. Couldn't allow this cherished group that gave me such awakening to possibly close it off. I know the conversations may have still sparked something, yet I didn't trust it… couldn't risk the taint.

Today I faced a tough decision. Some of the group is gathering, right now as I write these words. I've had it on my calendar for a week, back before this day had some new priorities arise. I'm making some new choices in my life right now. I'm teaching several classes, and in that process I'm upping my teaching game, bringing more tools and magick to the table to deepen connection to the sacred and enrich the learning process for both me and my students. I'm also taking several classes at the moment, for I truly do love to learn and continue to do so with amazing teachers. The internet gifts us these opportunities, but it is our responsibility to manage our time and energy.

I'm also traveling more than I ever have in my life. This is a dream come true, and also a reality check. If I want to travel as well as grow my business and expand my teaching… well, it calls for focus. I'm igniting my soul right now. Even when I'm tired from only grabbing a few hours of sleep because I'm so excited to plan out how to teach in such a way as to awaken a new level of understanding in a student, I'm enthusiastically heading to the studio (albeit with a coffee in hand, a dangerous game for my delicate disposition). I'm showing up any way I can because I'm choosing to show up. It feels good to me, to show up for my self, my work, my life, my dreams.

Which means I'm not showing up for the art group. They are meeting right now. I have FOMO. I've wondered how to address it. I could easily offer up excuses. I can honestly say there's a part of me that wants to be there. But the truth is that I made a choice. All choices have consequences. There's always another way, another option. And it became clear to me that I have to choose my now. Not the now I loved 5 years ago. I know we're each morphing and changing, and yet I was afraid I'd show up with expectations or even with the idea of just being there for a bit so I could get back to what I need to do. Neither of those feels good or spacious. I love these people and the place they hold in my heart and the time they hold in my life. I'm not writing them off, but I am being honest with myself. I'm choosing not to show up. The timing is somehow off. I feel so aligned in my life and my work; I appreciate the role this group played in that and yet it's not serving that at the moment.

I'm not dismissing the idea of being a group again. I know too well that it's helpful to have support structures in place as you are in flow rather than desperately trying to build one when everything crumbles. I don't mean this from fear, I mean this as an approach of sacred tending. When I fell out of sync with this group a few years ago, I hadn't realized that it was at that point that I stepped onto a different path and there's no going back to what was, how it was. We all continued to move forward and evolve.

I may want to start a new sort of conversational salon at some point. Philosophizing and sharing ideas does fuel my fire. YET, writing that makes me keenly aware of how I do have this quite a bit in my life, for that's how I've begun living rather than setting aside chunks of time just for that. So rather than adding another commitment or relishing in the longing of what was, I will honor my growth and see how I'm living more deeply and having these types of thought-provoking conversations several times a week with all sorts of people in my world. Just through writing this, my heart is now swelling in gratitude for my life and my world. I now hope the souls who gathered are having a wonderful time, living in alignment with their truth and soul's work right now, for that's what we all supported before and I'm reawakening to the gratitude for that original mission.