Pushing the fear boundary
When I moved to Nevada City a little more than 4 years ago, during my first week I fractured my ankle while bouldering. I've been getting back into running and exercise in general over the last year, and that injury keeps flaring up in the form of stiff ankles and, surprisingly, as a lack of confidence. I don't always trust that my ankles will support me, and that effects how I show up and move in this world.
What to do to work on both strength and confidence? I've been getting out for weekly bouldering sessions at the Yuba River, a healing place no matter the issue.
These boulders are smaller and more manageable than the one I fell from years ago, yet my heart pounds and I get frozen in place a lot. I'm trying to practice speedier foot work on smaller boulder fields to challenge my decision-making skills. Everyone tells me to pick a line and just go for it -- yet I mostly find myself only staring 1 or 2 rocks ahead... never mind to actually take in the view.
When I see photos of myself bouldering, I see the lack of confidence. I look like an old lady reaching out for support, yet I don't want to be so cocky that I miss something or get vertigo and fall. Various movies play through my head. So instead I try to cheer myself on, knowing that just by getting out there I'm building my confidence.
In 4 sessions I have improved. For one, I look forward to going. I've also learned to calm myself down with breath work. I'm learning to not just trust the rocks but to also trust myself. I can make a snap judgement, like when I stepped on a hole (not a rock!) covered with leaves and threw myself onto a nearby boulder... scary, but that reaction saved me and oddly boosted my confidence in my abilities (soon maybe I'll learn to not step on holes?).
I've practiced sitting on rocks up high and just getting comfortable there. I'm working on standing and doing this. I feel myself using my arms less for support and just relying on them for balance to keep me upright and centered (thereby using my core more for support).
The added bonus of bouldering, especially in the off season, is burning some frustration/stress/anger by yelling and throwing rocks. My poses look a little Saturday Night Fever, yet I take this part very seriously and really yell and throw what I can. It's become quite a workout with sore back muscles, shoulders and triceps to show for it. This has been helping to break through fear barriers as well... fear of being heard, fear of being told to shut up, fear of someone knowing what you are doing, fear of someone seeing me angry. It's interesting because I've been going with my sweetie, and it's become a date we look forward to as we out-yell each other and watch rocks splash or break apart against larger boulders. Laughter becomes intermingled with the other emotions, a great reminder of the mixing pot of life... it's not all one or the other, so find a way to incorporate many emotions and switch between them.