Choose Your Identity: Do You Want to be Labeled a Victim?

Hey, there! Here's an intimate story about how the work I do became important to me. I didn't know it at the time, but I followed a thread back and found it lead here. This isn't even a story I think about that much anymore because I took action and moved on, but I'd like to share it because you surely have similar types of breadcrumbs in your past that have built you into the strong, resilient person you are today. Here goes....

The hardest times in my life were when I felt like I didn't have a choice. Throughout childhood, I started to feel as though I had no control and simply had to conform to an expected role. Conforming and wearing masks and labels became my coping mechanisms from childhood through high school.

I started college as a way out, seeing it as my pathway to freedom. At Smith College during freshman orientation when we were being talked to about campus safety and rape, they kept saying over and over how those of us who had been raped were victims. Like it was an end destination. A label to never be removed.

Right then and there I knew I didn't want that label. This wasn't some new group I wanted to identify with. I'd never rejected a label before. I was done conforming and taking on expected or projected roles. I wanted to heal this wound of pleasing and losing myself. That label "victim" took my power away. Made me feel like I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't change the circumstances, but I could change the way I deal with them. The way I show up in the world… And being a victim just didn't work for me. Placing blame didn't make me feel better.

This awareness made me feel like I could choose the labels that apply to me, or buck them altogether. I started to feel freer, braver, and more empowered like my fate wasn't a cage and me its captive railing against the bars. 

I still relied on mentors and dear friends for perspective, but no longer did I feel trapped, dialed into one path with no options. I started living on my own at 17, transferred away from Smith and started a journey that felt way more messy, but oh so alive. I was challenged to rise up and show up, solve problems and maintain my sense of self — all while continuing to grow and learn in ways I never did in school.

Healing from trauma is a journey, and I had to trust in those phases of anger, sadness, putting on masks, seeking approval, codependency… So many things. But each layer I pulled back revealed more of my strength and my truth. The truth that I didn't want labels. I started questioning choices, paths and my personal desires. I realized I wanted to be strong and brave. Openhearted, loving, forgiving and kind. And so many more things that didn't involve being a victim of any of my stories. I wanted to be the hero. And I wanted to be the author, so that's what I became. It started with awareness and happened because I made a choice.

I dreamed, I took action and stayed curious because perspective changes with every step. It requires looking around with a fresh perspective, seeing without jaded lenses. I'm always learning and growing. I feel empowered and confident in myself and my strength because I have the courage to face my fears.

Helping others do the same lights me up. I want more people to feel alive and fully engaged with life. Taking leaps rather than tentative steps, or, worse yet, sitting back and feeling like life is passing you by. You are not a victim of life. You are the artist of your life. It's time to take control and create the life of your dreams.