Where do you feel most at home?

How are you holding up? We are thick in the middle of the Holiday Gauntlet, which for some starts as early as Halloween but for sure kicks into high gear with Thanksgiving and runs right through New Year's Day with many landmines in between. I've run this gauntlet many different ways over the years. I've had the traditional years with family, and I had the years where I did holiday mashups with groups of friends. I've hosted and decorated while other times I've traveled to be welcomed into someone else's home. Then I had a long stint as a working artist/retailer, which meant that I worked quadruple hours during this season and "holiday" meant I wouldn't work on the specific days of celebration but no one would see me otherwise. 

This year is dramatically different. I made a choice to make it so. I've stepped away from active retail, and I just returned from a casual, wandering trip to Paris. I still feel I'm in a new relationship even though this is our second holiday season together. Neither of us own decorations, and we don't do much in the way of shopping or parties.

There's a part of me that's looking around for the next thing to join up to. I'm really good at jumping on the bandwagon that seems fun so I can be with other like-minded souls. I could spend a lifetime at this efforting to fit in. And it always feels good for a while, doesn't it? Part of it's authentic, too. We join groups and spend time with those we have something in common with. I have a tendency to assimilate for a while until some alarm goes off within me, letting me know that I've lost track of myself or bartered a piece of myself away. Then comes the work of figuring out what was compromised, followed by the great return.

Well, what happens if we break these patterns? Yours may not look exactly like mine, but check around and see if you have them. This desire to fit in. A tendril of connection to that middle school self.

While in Paris I had a bit of insomnia and realized my fun fiction books were exacerbating the issue with their page-turning allure, so I downloaded "Braving the Wilderness" by Brené Brown. This book stepped into my life at the right time, when all I'm trying to do is be true to myself. Always. It's an amazing pep talk while also being a gut-wrenching heart opener.

She invites us to be true to ourselves and our ideals. She reminds us that "fitting in" doesn't work for anyone because we truly each are unique and complex beings. We need to honor this. Gravitating towards what's easy, familiar or similar doesn't strengthen us. What strengthens us is sharing where we are, sharing our differences, and sharing our paradoxes. And we need to acknowledge this in others by being willing to discuss different viewpoints. We have to lean into that uncomfortable place with vulnerability.

The essential message is one of Belonging. Belonging has nothing to do with fitting in. True belonging is so deeply rooted in being yourself that you belong everywhere and nowhere all at once. This is the wilderness. Most of us haven't been trained for this place. But when we find ourselves there/here and truly look around, we see there are many fellow travelers. There are authentic souls carving their own paths. A big part of seeing them is removing the veil from our own eyes, the veil that keeps us in our cocoon, unwilling to be vulnerable enough to share our selves and trust the possibility of connection with another. We've let harsh experiences cloud our view, and the veil of judgement cloud the way we see and interact with the world. 

Sometimes I feel so influenced by "how things are done" or my own past, that I don't know what to do. So I strip things away until I get to the tender parts. Where I'm sure I'm feeling something, in my own body, heart and soul.

I'm no longer being swept up in the eddies of unconsciousness. I'm also not reaching for the hard shell to hide behind. I'm letting the currents wash over these tender parts and learning from the sensations. This is how I'm braving the wilderness and taking steps towards true belonging.

In this world it looks like traveling to Paris with no plan, trimming cedar for home decorations, walking in nature instead of shopping (okay, I'm doing a little shopping because I do love Christmas decorations and holiday music so much), and reaching out to friends one-on-one for conversations outside of parties. I don't know what I'm doing to celebrate the holidays other than celebrating love and all the wonderful places it shows up in my life. That's where I'm starting. That's what feels like true belonging to me.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on belonging, especially this time of year when we can feel like an outsider or under attack from visiting people that don't seem to understand us. What are you doing to be more true to yourself, your ideals and creating the type of world you want to be a part of? Hit reply and let me know.