Questions = An Opportunity for Connection

A few months ago I asked my financial adviser how to handle questions about money, particularly questions like, "How are you affording that?"

He's great because he helps give me perspective and realign me with my values.

Ultimately what happens in the face of questions like that, at least for me, is I feel put on the spot. Which means I feel defensive. And, if I'm being asked that question, it's probably because I did something expansive (which may or may not be expensive). It's tricky to feel expansive and then be triggered to be defensive. A bit of shame gets tickled, so I can't hold on to the expansive feeling. I feel backed into a corner, even though I've run there myself.

For women, we see this play out a lot in our everyday. You see a girlfriend and say, "Hey! You look great! I love that sweater on you. So cute!" This is followed by said girlfriend saying I got it for $3. It was on sale. This was an unbelievable deal.... Or, worse, she pawns off the compliment. It's all a form of running into a corner. Wanting to hide and not be seen.

Conversations and relationships are complicated because if you only look at the intentions of the asker, well... the truth is, you don't know their intentions. So you make it up and respond to however you think it was meant. Or you tell them it's none of their business. Or you shrink because you feel out of line or can't tell if the person is lifting you up and wanting to also be lifted or wanting to put you back in the place that's familiar and comfortable for everyone.

Here's what my financial adviser suggests.

Rather than making assumptions about the question, take a breath and move forward from a place of connection. Get curious. If asked, "How are you affording that?" reply back, with sincerity, "Why do you want to know?" Depending on who's asking, you may even say, "I'm willing to discuss it, but why do you want to know?"

Uncovering the underlying issues creates understanding. You start to learn about each other. The original question may or may not be answered as you dive into deeper waters, addressing the actual issue lurking behind the question. 

Sometimes people ask me how I afford to travel, and I tell them because I make it a priority. I don't go into the ins and outs of making money; I lean into my values. Certain questions don't trigger us or don't feel nosey. 

For the more broad questions, I couldn't figure out how to do this because my money values are so different from many people's in my culture. I'm debt averse. I live within my means. I'll do crazy things to bring in money and re-establish stability if something gets off kilter. I work hard. Sometimes people give me money. I was raised in a household that taught me to always save something, give something to those in need, and do whatever it takes to pay down any loans, debts or mortgages, even if it's just paying $1 more. One question that may seem simple to the querant actually feels pointed and brings up a complicated past that makes me feel separate and alone (yet so proud of those values).

All these things wash through me in a matter of microseconds and are joined by feelings and fears about being shunned, judged, envied, grilled, or not liked. But that one simple question, "Why do you want to know?" opens up a conversation. It peels back a layer to the juicier levels of questioning. It digs deeper into values, choices and feelings. It opens the door to connection.

I'm passionate about healing relationships with money. Learning to talk about it in a healthy, non-threatening way is a good first step.

Here's the process again:

1. Take a breath to calm the nervous system (with a quick 5-4-3-2-1 internal countdown to help with centering because these questions can actually trigger Fight or Flight).

2. Ask Why do you want to know? with calm curiosity.

3. Listen and learn. Usually, they're asking because something's up for them anyway.

Another good practice for releasing defensiveness, if someone gives you a compliment on your outfit, home decor, or anything else, say, "Thank you!" and move on to appreciating seeing them or having an authentic connection in another way. Let go of belittling yourself, making a joke or sarcastic comment, posturing, or second-guessing.

The two are very much related. How you respond can empower you, help you have more confidence, and increase your sense of connection to whoever's asking. Authentic connection makes the world more intimate. We don't have to agree or have the same values to foster understanding.