At this point, I'd take lemonade
Regret and shame wound their slimy tendrils around my morning. Heavy stomach, slumped posture, struggling to make eye contact or even hold my head up. These feelings started creeping in overnight, shaking me awake from sleep. As you know, these feelings are tough to deal with. We can face them and see them as they are, which for me meant seeing myself as I am sometimes. As not my best self.
In the following hours I leaned on my morning routines. I shared how I was struggling with my partner to voice and name it but tried not to give it more energy than that. I pulled Tarot cards and received messages about looking to the future and using my imagination to dream. This is more positive than beating myself up for how I am and don't want to be. There were also messages that suggested an opportunity to bring some lightness from my past and carry it forward to incorporate into the present. This helped me see how I'm always growing and changing and have the ability to do so. It's easier to extend this compassion to others, but connecting to Spirit through Tarot offers this perspective for me. A welcome relief from the flogging I'm struggling with.
I followed this with a really hard workout. I may not be able to change how I was in the past, but I can lift some heavy weights now. I can push through these physical challenges and see progress. Challenging myself physically helps me to break the mental spinning, the wistful rewriting and replaying of scenes, the longing to be something or someone other than who I am.
That, followed by a nourishing meal and making plans for the day ahead, has eased my mental spinning, although the burdensome cloak still lingers around my shoulders. My inner self is running around frantically in tears saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry to those I saw yesterday and to many more people in my past. I'm sorry for talking too much, I'm sorry for not seeing you, I'm sorry for not appreciating you and simply listening. I'm sorry for the judgments. Sorry, sorry, sorry
The only way I can heal and make amends is to come back to my values. Re-align and embody them. Continue to live life and move forward. Be the human I want to be. A tender humbleness has washed over me for not having won the battle, and yet the sun greeted me today with the reminder that I get to try again. You get to try again. Sometimes we triumph, sometimes not. Either way is an opportunity to learn and grow.
Gradually I will get through this integration and releasing. The cloak will be left on a park bench, forgotten in the dappled sun. I will honor rather than punish these shadowy parts of myself needing to be seen and trust the path as it's unfolding. I will put on the lenses of how I want to see the world and myself and let those visions work their magick.
I may not have the energy to enter the arena again today, but I do have enough reserves to cheer you on in your pursuits and using your tools to break any mental cages to continue bringing your best self to the world.
